I don’t need the praise if it comes with a request.
I don’t need the praise if a favor follows close behind.
I don’t need the praise if it’s simply the warm up to “can you do this for me?”
Because at that point, it’s not praise. It’s bait.
This realization hasn’t been an easy pill to swallow. Some days I wonder if it’s connected to my lifelong ADHD, the possibility of undiagnosed autism, or simply the fact that I am neurodivergent. But deep down, I know this dynamic has always been present. It’s a gift and a curse that has only gotten heavier as I age.
It has never been difficult for me to make friends… but it has always been difficult to keep them. Why? Because I see things. I spot ulterior motives. I recognize when I’m not being viewed as a person, but as an asset. And the more I try to tell myself, “Maybe I’m imagining it,” the more life proves I’m not.
For years, I played along anyway. I pretended not to notice just to keep a little company around. But pretending comes at a cost. Pretending eats away at authenticity. Pretending leaves me suffering for the very qualities that make me who I am.
Praise has always been present in my life, almost too present. Even when I was labeled a “behavioral” kid, I was still showered with admiration. Not for who I was, but for what I could do.
And that’s the piece I want you to understand: there’s a dangerous difference between being valued as a human being and being praised as a human doing.
What I noticed early on is that praise often carried an unspoken contract. Someone would lift me up in one breath and follow it with,
“Justin, So… can you help me with this?”
“Brandon, can you…?”
“Brandon, Do you know how to…?”
“Justin, Do you have…?”
Praise was never the end, it was just the introduction,
This constant transaction created pressure. Pressure turned into distance. Distance turned into resentment. And resentment often disguised itself as jealousy, competition, or exclusion. I am praised publicly, yet quietly excluded. Praised for my light, yet penalized for shining too brightly.
If you take nothing else from my vulnerability, take this with you: praise should never be a setup for extraction.
When you compliment someone, ask yourself:
- Am I saying this because I truly mean it?
- Or am I softening them up to ask for something?
If it’s the latter, stop. That’s not connection. That’s manipulation. Genuine praise doesn’t come with strings. It doesn’t need a follow-up. It stands alone.
And if you’re someone who constantly receives praise tied to requests, here’s the hard lesson I’m still learning: you are allowed to notice it. You are allowed to call it what it is. And you are allowed to say no… “I say no a lot”
Each time I think I’ve found genuine connection, someone who sees me beyond my skills, looks, or access… I end up back in the same cycle. Praise, followed by a request. Compliments, followed by extraction. And it reminds me of the curse I carry: to be valued for what I do rather than who I am.
It makes daily life heavy. Conversations feel shallow. Invitations feel conditional. And sometimes, I catch myself wishing for a restart… no talent, no light, no gifts, just so I could experience relationships that see only me.. but then i think of the butterfly effect.
It’s isolating. To scream with every ounce of energy, “I’m not okay,” and have someone respond with, “I love your work!” That disconnect cuts deeper than silence.
I don’t have a fix. I don’t even know if there is one. My brain reads people at a speed that leaves no room for ignorance. Tone, body language, unspoken intent, a slight movement of the eye, I see it all before it’s even obvious to them. And by the time I’ve registered it, I’m already out.
Maybe that’s why art is the only space I can breathe. It’s the one medium where I can express my vulnerability without judgment, where praise doesn’t feel like manipulation but like resonance.
So take this as the lesson hidden in my story:
- Don’t weaponize praise. If you mean it, let it stand alone.
- Remember that extraordinary people are still ordinary humans. Don’t reduce them to their talents or what they can do for you.
- And never mistake kindness for weakness. Some of us are carrying more than you’ll ever see.
Be genuine. Always. And never, ever, let your praise be the front door to your request.
And If you made it this far, handle me with grace. Because I see it all… I always have. I’m already alone enough in silence to hear your thoughts, to see your actions, and to feel your ulterior motives before they’re ever spoken. What I long for isn’t more praise, or more requests… it’s sincerity. So if you cross my path, let your presence be genuine. That’s all I’ve ever needed.
I never wanted nor needed the praise…
⁃ B
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