Disclaimer: The statements below are in no way intended to encourage self-harm. They are meant to inspire strength and the will to move forward. Please seek help if you need it.
Sometimes, I find myself thinking, “I should’ve gotten out then,” or “I cheated death, and this is why X, Y, Z.” These thoughts come when life feels unbearably heavy, and I wonder if it would have been easier to escape it all back then. But then I think, if I had “gotten out,” I wouldn’t have accomplished X, Y, Z, I wouldn’t have been featured in X, Y, Z, and most importantly, I wouldn’t be here now—to be present.
Being transparent, I often challenge those thoughts with a sense of disgust, especially when life isn’t at its best. It’s an inner conflict, wrestling with the idea that maybe I should have ended it, yet knowing deep down that doing so would have robbed me of every experience I’ve had since.
I also get frustrated by what I perceive as society’s general understanding of suicide. There’s a belief, often held by those who’ve never dealt with suicidal ideation (SI), that suicide is a selfish act. It’s easy to judge when you’ve never felt the depths of that despair, even if your judgment comes from a place of love and concern. The reality is much more complicated.
This frustration is compounded by the hypocrisy I see in society, particularly in how some states in this country legally end a person’s life based on their judgment and the majority’s decision—execution, they call it. I call it a form of hypocrisy.
When I reflect on suicide, I see it through three lenses, all rooted in what I call “ignorant thoughts”:
- I don’t want to be here because of X, Y, Z. (General)
- I thought I didn’t want to be here, but now it’s too late. (Regretful)
- It’s not that I’m sad, yeah life is lifing but yall starve children and treat people bad. I just think it’s ghetto here on earth, so I’m going to head out.
So, what’s my point?
My point is that I’ve had these thoughts before. I feel that if I hadn’t initially challenged the idea of suicide—if I hadn’t questioned it—I might not have made it to a place where I could receive the support I needed “I’m still in the mist”. Right now, the weight I’m carrying feels heavier than it’s ever been. It’s so heavy that it has left me stagnant, with no motivation to work or do much of anything.
Yet, despite the darkness, those thoughts have crept back in. I can’t sit here and say I simply ignored them and went on to have ice cream with a smile. No. I let them creep up, but this time I was more prepared. I began to ask more questions.
I used this as an opportunity to pay attention to what’s happening around me: What did I ask the universe for? Why is this happening so intensely? Why do I think the way I do? After all, whatever is happening, we must accept it and plan ahead because once it’s done, it can’t be undone.
So, ask the hard questions. Accept the emotions, even when they’re overwhelming. Lean on your trusted support system, even if it doesn’t meet your standards—especially if they’re trying their best. And most importantly, if there’s additional help available to you, get it. There are so many people who wish they could have the help that’s within your reach.
None of this negates the feelings I expressed at the beginning of this post. I still feel strongly about them. But I also feel stronger knowing that, despite everything, I’ve been able to witness my children reaching new milestones, hear my mother laugh another laugh, see my sisters smile another smile, have conversations with my brothers, vent to my godmother, meet new people, create another piece of content, or even write this blog post.
Somehow, I’ve managed to do all this while at my lowest. I’m not proud of the lows, but acknowledging them helps.
This blog post was sparked by a message I received on Instagram about Suicide Awareness Month. If you or someone you know is going through something and may be having suicidal thoughts, please reach out to someone you trust or to a service like 988. You don’t have to face this alone, & to those who are still with us, I’m proud of you.
Hope this helps,
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