All Because of Scarcity

All Because of Scarcity

Lately, no matter the opportunities that come my way in the professional world, I can’t shake the feeling of being cursed. It’s like this dark cloud has settled over both my career and personal life, and I can’t escape it. This lingering feeling isn’t just random—it stems from a series of failed personal experiences and the traumas that came with them, whether they were inflicted upon me or ones I inadvertently caused.

As I write this, it’s 1:22 a.m., and the last 24 hours have been a whirlwind. But, to be honest, the last seven years have been a rollercoaster ride that I’m still trying to make sense of. That’s a story for another day, though. Right now, what’s heavy on my mind is the end of a “cruise” I’m going through. One that, while necessary, is still hard to accept.

Did I see it coming? Yes. Was it needed? Yes. Did I want it to happen? No. Was it in the best interest of both of us? I hope so. Without diving too deep into the details, I’m sharing these thoughts as part of this late-night venting session because, after all, what’s the point of a blog if not to share and connect?

Throughout my life, I’ve experienced different kinds of love, most of it tough. And when those vulnerable moments fall apart, it’s often because of scarcity—my own scarcity. No one is perfect, and I certainly don’t claim to be. But at the very least, we should strive to be human. So, here I am again, at 1:34 a.m., reflecting on another failed relationship, perhaps due to my own inability to fully invest in building it.

Because of this tendency to hold back, I created space for someone else to enter her life, and in doing so, I lost what I once had. That little piece of happiness has drifted away, and I can sit here and say with certainty that it’s 120% my fault. I struggle with showing emotional connection to others and have made sacrifices that led me to purposely avoid moving forward in almost any relationship—all because of scarcity.

But in my defense, I’ve felt the need to protect my heart. It’s the very reason this blog post exists—to tell my story while staying true to my morals and coping through a platform of transparency I created. I know she’ll see this, just like the thousands of other readers. They’ll all catch a glimpse of my vulnerability, and that’s okay. I need this more than ever right now.

To express my vulnerability, I’m taking a page from my fourteen-year-old self and putting it into what I called “words” back then, followed by some tips to bring this post full circle.

Life is guaranteed to take you on a ride, but I never expected the cruise of life to stall and crash. Or maybe I did, but not the way it happened—well, accidents do happen, right? 

Everything is temporary, and we own nothing. My cruise began in April this year. It started off as a smooth, intense, and intriguing journey filled with energy, intimacy, and mental exploration. But as always, life threw its most famous curveball—“Right person, wrong time.” It’s a curse I’ve been forced to accept.

I’ve been forced to accept a lot in my life, carrying the weight of silent battles and constantly telling myself that maybe I don’t deserve love and happiness for whatever reason. I’ve convinced myself that no matter how much success I achieve, I’d trade it all for love and happiness. But at very least I have to allow myself that pleasure of life—all because of scarcity.

Playing devil’s advocate, I can say that while on this cruise, I was dealt mistrust, pressure to move fast, and a lack of understanding of my resistance to keep cruising. Despite all the honesty I put forth, doubt crept in, and someone else entered my cruise. I loved the cruise, shit, I still do and it was alleged that the cruise loved me, but that didn’t stop the lies, the dishonesty, and the games.

I tried to understand the purpose of this cruise, knowing it could only go so far. I just wanted it to last longer than it did. Maybe I was selfish. Maybe I was protecting myself. Early on, we made a promise, and I stood by that promise. I can’t say the same for others. The cruise was alleged to love me, but what kind of love hurts? What kind of love thinks apologies heal all wounds? What kind of love forces rather than exercises patience? What kind of love allows another person in while another is still on board?

These thoughts race through my mind as I question everything I thought I knew, as I beat myself up for always being right at the wrong times. For attaching myself to things I know I shouldn’t, for continuing to ignore clear signs of destruction. For allowing myself to let this cycle repeat at my own expense.

For example, why didn’t I, and why don’t I, just let go? I question that. Why do we hold on when the other party not only shows us but provides an extreme example that it’s time to let go? Why do we give ourselves excuses? Like right now, I’m asking for one more cruise before I depart, even though I know this cruise has come to an end. Is it because I’m aware of new attention? Do I want to crash the cruise before I move on? Or do I need clarification on why another person was allowed in my cruise in the first place?

I have many thoughts on how the brain works, so what’s the point, Brandon? Well, I know I have to leave you with something because I’m all over the place here. While this post is more for me, I’ll share something teachable as a thank you.

When people show you who they are, believe them, even if love is blinding you. Deep down, we know the truth from within, yet we often choose to ignore the telltale signs of destruction. Not only should we believe what people show us, but we should also listen to what they say and take it at face value. We’re all out here trying to protect our hearts, building walls instead of entering something new with trust. So, here are some things I’ve done and continue to do to help with that.

Steps Toward Healing

1. Acknowledge the Pain: First and foremost, I’ve learned that acknowledging the pain is crucial. There’s no point in pretending that everything is fine when it’s not. You have to sit with the discomfort, feel it fully, and understand where it’s coming from. Whether it’s the sting of betrayal, the emptiness of loss, or the frustration of unmet expectations, acknowledging these emotions is the first step toward healing.
2. Practice Self-Reflection: After acknowledging the pain, it’s important to take a step back and reflect on your role in the situation. For me, this has meant facing some uncomfortable truths about my own behavior. I’ve had to confront the ways in which my scarcity mindset—my fear of vulnerability and my reluctance to fully invest in relationships—has contributed to the outcomes I’m now dealing with. Self-reflection isn’t about self-blame; it’s about understanding and learning so that you can do better next time.
3. Set Boundaries: One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is the importance of setting and maintaining boundaries. It’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship, especially when emotions run high. But without clear boundaries, you risk compromising your own needs and values. Setting boundaries isn’t about shutting people out; it’s about protecting your well-being and ensuring that you’re treated with the respect and consideration you deserve.
4. Communicate Honestly: I’ve found that honest communication is both terrifying and liberating. It requires courage to speak your truth, especially when you know it might lead to difficult conversations or even the end of a relationship. But without honesty, there’s no real connection. If you’re not willing to be open about your feelings, your needs, and your boundaries, then the relationship is built on shaky ground. Honest communication is the foundation of trust, and without trust, there’s no lasting connection.
5. Let Go of What No Longer Serves You: Letting go is never easy, but it’s often necessary. Clinging to something that no longer serves you only prolongs the pain. Whether it’s a relationship that’s run its course or a mindset that’s holding you back, learning to let go is essential for growth. It’s about making space for new opportunities and experiences, for new love and happiness. Letting go doesn’t mean you forget; it means you’re choosing to move forward, to heal, and to open yourself up to the possibilities that lie ahead.
6. Embrace Vulnerability: Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness, but I’m starting to see it as a strength. It’s through vulnerability that we connect with others on a deeper level. It’s through vulnerability that we allow ourselves to be truly seen and understood. And it’s through vulnerability that we find the courage to love again, despite the risks. Embracing vulnerability is scary, but it’s also freeing. It’s about being honest with yourself and others, about showing up as your true self, and about allowing others to do the same.
7. Focus on Self-Care: Finally, I’ve realized the importance of self-care. After everything that’s happened, I need to take care of myself—physically, emotionally, and mentally. Self-care isn’t just about indulging in a favorite activity or treating yourself; it’s about making sure you’re okay. It’s about nurturing your body, mind, and spirit, so that you have the strength to face whatever comes next. Whether it’s taking a walk, journaling, meditating, or just giving myself permission to rest, self-care is a crucial part of the healing process.

Closing Thoughts

As I continue to navigate this journey, I’m trying to remind myself that it’s okay to feel lost sometimes. It’s okay to stumble, to make mistakes, and to take time to heal. Life is full of ups and downs, and it’s through these experiences that we learn and grow. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m making progress. And for now, that’s enough.

If you’re going through something similar, I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. We all struggle, we all face challenges, and we all have moments of doubt. But we also have the strength to overcome, to heal, and to move forward. So, take care of yourself, embrace your vulnerability, and don’t be afraid to let go of what no longer serves you. Life is too short to be anything but true to yourself.

Remember, when people show you who they are, believe them. Trust your instincts, honor your boundaries, and always strive to grow from your experiences. We all deserve love and happiness, but it starts with loving and taking care of ourselves.

As for the cruise, thank you for the ride even if the bumps made bruises. 

Hope this helps,